Goals and Dreams

My life has been pretty chaotic lately. This morning I started trying to think of something I could do to get some order in my life and I realized it has been a while since I posted a list on here. Lists are the most organized thing I can think of. Lists are neat and clean and focused. I'm hoping after typing up today's list of my goals and dreams I will feel a bit less chaos and a bit more focused!

Goals and Dreams: Current and Future

1. Travel to Paris
2. Write a book
3. Swim with dolphins
4. Travel to Ireland
5. Get healthy (Yes, that one is a very distant dream, but I still have hope!)
6. Volunteer in a third world country
7. Get married
8. Be a mom
9. Learn to play the piano
10. Visit all 50 states
11. Be courageous
12. Own a home
13. Run at least one 5k a year
14. Write every day
15. Be more involved in Family History
16. Attend the temple at least once a month
17. Do more of what makes me happy
18. Read at least ten books every year
19. Exercise daily
20. Do at least one act of service every week.

What are some of your goals and dreams. Leave a comment and share.

Project 365 Update

Even though I have been away from my blog for a while I have still been taking my pictures for Project 365. However, I am getting to a point where finding something new to take a picture of every day is hard! I'm sticking to it though and will be interested to see how it all turns out at the end of the year.

Here are some of the pics from the last month or so just to keep you updated on what's been going on in my life. 

 Family karaoke night for Tyson and Ashley's birthday!

 Packing, Packing, Sleeping...wait what? Tara's sleeping on the job! 

 Oh the fun things you find when you are packing up everything you own! 

 Painting Day!

 Isaac's birthday party!

 Surgery day for Mom

 Attending the funeral of my amazing Uncle Owen! 

Happy 4th of July! 

As you can see life has been a bit of rollercoaster with being busy, happy, and sad. Yet, it has been life. If life weren't a bit like a rollercoaster it might get pretty dull. It is the up's and down's of life that keep us on our toes and looking forward to tomorrow, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. The trick is to enjoy the ride no matter where it takes you. 

Luvs & Hugs! 

Wondering?

Hello there, has anyone been wondering where I went?

My last post was clear back in May?!? Oh my! In reading that post you discovered that I was facing a decision and getting ready to take a big leap of faith with it. Well, the outcome of that decision is the reason why I have not posted since May. I made the decision to move!

I have been struggling with my health problems, my mom and sister have been struggling with problems of their own, and we were all struggling to do it on our own. I made the decision to move back in with my mom. I basically took over the entire basement, so I still have my own space and a bit of a buffer when I need my alone time.

Moving was stressful, and I'm sure anyone who has ever moved knows what I'm talking about. Living in one place for 7 years, you don't realize how much "stuff" you accumulate! However, packing everything up did give me a chance to do some serious de-junking and get rid of a lot of stuff. Although now it is all taking up space in the garage awaiting a yard sale we are having in a few weeks.

This change is definitely and adjustment. I am so used to being on my own that being here with my mom and sister is going to take time to get used to. I truly believe that the pro's outweigh the con's in this decision though, and that everything is going to work out for the best. There is strength in numbers and this way we can all be there for each other. Isn't that what family is all about anyway?

The good news is that I am all moved and settled in, which means my writing will start to get back to a more normal schedule with frequent posts and more random ramblings from yours truly!

I hope the last few months have been good to you and that life is wonderful wherever you are and whatever you're doing!

Luvs & Hugs

Risks

It was American author Erica Jong who said, “If you don’t risk everything, you risk more.”

How true is this statement!?! We are all faced with difficult choices to make. Some of those choices involve taking great risks. Most people tend to take the easy way out. They choose the option with the least amount of risk involved and usually end up sitting around accomplishing very little. In my experience the options with the biggest risk factor also have the biggest rewards. If we are not risking everything we have, we are risking everything else!

When we are willing to lose big if things don’t work out it frees us to be able to gain greater things than we could ever lose. By never taking a chance we lose out on experiences we would not have had otherwise. I experience this every day of my life. With my health the way it is most things I do are pretty risky for me. There are a million ways I could get hurt or have things go wrong every time I leave the house. I could pass out in a parking lot walking into the grocery store and get run over. I could pass out walking down some stairs and break my neck. I could go on, but I’ll spare you the details. The point I’m trying to make is that with my illness everything I do involves some sort of risk, but if I never did any of it I would spend my entire life sitting on the couch. Many people think that I should stop taking these risks and just live in a little bubble, but for me that would not be life. Yes, I risk a lot and I've paid the price for it at times, but more often than not by taking the risk and getting out I am able to enjoy life more fully. I am able to be independent, and keep a sense of normalcy to life.

Right now I am contemplating a decision that has a lot of pro's and con's. Each list contains important factors making the decision fairly difficult to make. As I ponder over my situation I look at the picture above and imagine that fish swimming circles around his little fish bowl saying, "Should I do it? Should I not do it? It could work out to be wonderful, or it could turn out to be really bad. I'll never know if I don't make the leap. Alright, I'm going for it and if it doesn't work out I'll know that I at least tried." This little fish inspires me and helps me see that sometimes you just have to take a chance even though you don't know how it's all going to turn out in the end. We just have to smile and say, "Alright, I'm going for it!" 

So, what choices are you debating between? Are you going to take the risk and grow, or are you content to take the easy way out? 

Springtime Musings

It is such a beautiful day, too beautiful to stay indoors. I take a blanket and go lay out on the grass. The sun feels wonderful, but I also wish I had a bit of shade to sit under. My hair is so long that not much time passes before sweat starts to form on the back of my neck letting me know I'm in for a long summer unless I cut it. A butterfly lands on a blade of grass next to me. I watch as it stretches it's wings and takes a small break from flying. I bet flying is hard sometimes. A tweet from a nearby bird startles the butterfly and it once again takes flight. A small breeze passes by and I relish the cool air on my skin. I glance around and wonder how I could capture this beautiful moment in a picture, but know that it would never do it justice. The sights, sounds, and smells of spring are not easily frozen in time. They must be experienced. They must be lived. We must take a break from the busyness of life to enjoy moments such as these. Time goes by too quickly. If we blink we may miss it and the joy of watching a butterfly stretch it's wings should not be missed. 

Broken Hearts

How many of us have a heart that looks like this? Has your heart been broken, bruised, and beat up? Have you tried to piece it back together with a band-aid, stitches, and some super glue? Or is there still a giant tear down the center that doesn't seem fixable no matter how many band-aids you put over it?

I've had my share of broken hearts over the years. Sometimes it was broken by guys being jerks, other times it was after a fight with a best friend, other breaks were caused by things too personal to share. Cuts made by stupid boys or crazy arguments have been fairly easy to mend; a few stitches here and there along with some deep breaths and a few positive self-affirmations did the trick. However, some cuts are deeper than others, some leave lasting scars even after you've done your best to stitch them up. These are the cuts that really change you.

We can become so preoccupied with the pain of our broken hearts that we turn away from all the good surrounding us. We become bitter and angry at the world. In an effort to shut out the pain many turn to drugs, alcohol, and other destructive behaviors. This pain and darkness becomes so difficult to carry day in and day out that many people turn to self-harm and even suicide.

On the other hand, we can choose to take our broken hearts and look to the light. We can find healing in the situations that caused our pain to begin with. It will not always be easy, but it is possible to rise above the pain and find beauty in the ashes. We can use our circumstances to help others who have faced similar things and are struggling with which path to choose. We can find things to be grateful for even in the midst of the most dreadful situations. Taking actions to choose the higher road will lead to a brighter future. This is the path that ends in happiness, peace, and living a life of purpose.

I know these things from personal experience. I have personally traveled down both roads. Several years ago I was struggling with a heart that I thought had been torn in too many pieces to be able to put back together. It was a real Humpty Dumpty situation. I felt alone and could not see a way out. No matter how hard I tried to fix the situation it seemed like all I did was make it worse. I withdrew from life as much as possible. I stopped spending time with my friends, slept a lot more than I should have, and became very moody. Then I started cutting. It is hard to explain, but the act of cutting always made me feel better for a moment...kind of like getting high when doing drugs; you feel better for a little while and then ten times worse afterward. Despite the intense emotional pain I would feel afterward I kept cutting just so I could feel that ten seconds of euphoria. Eventually, the cutting wasn't enough and I attempted suicide. I grabbed a bottle of Lortab and just started swallowing as many pills as I could. When the drugs first started kicking in I felt that momentary euphoria and was sure I'd made the right decision, but then I started to feel sick and instantly regretted my decision. In that moment I realized I did not want to die, but was afraid it was too late. I struggled to grab my phone and call a good friend I was pretty drugged and out of it, all I can remember telling him was that I didn't want to die. The next thing I knew I was in the ER surrounded by doctors. Luckily everything turned out okay. I was admitted to the psych unit and was able to learn some very important life-saving principles. I learned how to look to the light instead of the darkness. I learned the importance of a positive mental attitude and finding joy in the little things. I now live a life that is much happier than before. It didn't happen overnight, but one day at a time. Each day I found a reason to smile and be thankful was a day my burden lifted just a bit and before I realized it I had come out of my black hole and was once again basking in the sunlight.

Do I still have tough days? Of course! Do I still have times where my heart feels broken and all I want to do is cry? Absolutely! The difference is that on those days I still take time to make a list of the things I'm grateful for and find at least one thing to smile about. It isn't easy, but it is possible. No matter what is causing your heart to break there is hope, there is light, there is a way out.

If you are struggling with something here are a five tips to help you deal with it in a positive way:

1. Activities: Distract your mind for a while by engaging in some activities that you enjoy. Do some crafts, exercise, read a good book, dance it out, go to lunch with a friend.

2. Contribute: Do something for someone else. Be thoughtful. Think of someone who may also be struggling with something and find a way to lift their spirits.

3. Thoughts: Think positively. Make a list of things you are grateful for. Make a list of things that make you happy. Write down at least one good thing about your day. Write down a list of all the things that are bothering you..and then burn the list!

4. Rest: Sometimes sleep is the best thing for you. Take a nap. If you are in a situation where you can't take a nap then close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. You'll be amazed how much something so simple helps.

5. Spiritual: No matter what you believe in connect with your higher power. Say a prayer. Read your scriptures.

I know that at least one person reading this right now is struggling with a broken heart of some kind or another. Take time to find something that makes you smile today. It doesn't have to be huge, it can be as simple as a frosty from Wendy's or a bag of peanut butter M&M's. Put a smile on your face and write down one thing you are thankful for and I promise that the pain you are feeling will seem a little bit lighter.

Things I Am Proud Of...

Today's list topic is Things I Am Proud Of...

This one made me think a little bit, but in the end I had some fun with it!

1. I have survived almost 33 years of life!
2. I am a really great big sister
3. I can speak like a fairy.
4. I have a testimony that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.
5. I am a good listener
6. I have never smoked or drank alcohol...not even once!
7. I have always been a good reader
8. I love to serve others
9. I survived brain surgery!
10. I don't need the validation of others
11. I am compassionate
12. I have done hard things
13. I have a high tolerance for pain.
14. I am awesome at coloring!
15. I am independent even though sometimes it's a real struggle due to my health.
16. I am part of an amazing organization called Ivy Girl Academy
17.  I ran a 5k and didn't die!
18. I am a very non-judgmental person
19. I am a fiercely loyal friend
20. I have a love for family history
21. I'm a halfway decent writer
22. I love to laugh
23. I served a mission for the church...even though I had to come home early due to my health I still served!
24. I'm a very visual person
25. I'm growing out my hair and it's currently the longest I've ever had it in my whole life!

What's on your list??