Risks

It was American author Erica Jong who said, “If you don’t risk everything, you risk more.”

How true is this statement!?! We are all faced with difficult choices to make. Some of those choices involve taking great risks. Most people tend to take the easy way out. They choose the option with the least amount of risk involved and usually end up sitting around accomplishing very little. In my experience the options with the biggest risk factor also have the biggest rewards. If we are not risking everything we have, we are risking everything else!

When we are willing to lose big if things don’t work out it frees us to be able to gain greater things than we could ever lose. By never taking a chance we lose out on experiences we would not have had otherwise. I experience this every day of my life. With my health the way it is most things I do are pretty risky for me. There are a million ways I could get hurt or have things go wrong every time I leave the house. I could pass out in a parking lot walking into the grocery store and get run over. I could pass out walking down some stairs and break my neck. I could go on, but I’ll spare you the details. The point I’m trying to make is that with my illness everything I do involves some sort of risk, but if I never did any of it I would spend my entire life sitting on the couch. Many people think that I should stop taking these risks and just live in a little bubble, but for me that would not be life. Yes, I risk a lot and I've paid the price for it at times, but more often than not by taking the risk and getting out I am able to enjoy life more fully. I am able to be independent, and keep a sense of normalcy to life.

Right now I am contemplating a decision that has a lot of pro's and con's. Each list contains important factors making the decision fairly difficult to make. As I ponder over my situation I look at the picture above and imagine that fish swimming circles around his little fish bowl saying, "Should I do it? Should I not do it? It could work out to be wonderful, or it could turn out to be really bad. I'll never know if I don't make the leap. Alright, I'm going for it and if it doesn't work out I'll know that I at least tried." This little fish inspires me and helps me see that sometimes you just have to take a chance even though you don't know how it's all going to turn out in the end. We just have to smile and say, "Alright, I'm going for it!" 

So, what choices are you debating between? Are you going to take the risk and grow, or are you content to take the easy way out? 

Springtime Musings

It is such a beautiful day, too beautiful to stay indoors. I take a blanket and go lay out on the grass. The sun feels wonderful, but I also wish I had a bit of shade to sit under. My hair is so long that not much time passes before sweat starts to form on the back of my neck letting me know I'm in for a long summer unless I cut it. A butterfly lands on a blade of grass next to me. I watch as it stretches it's wings and takes a small break from flying. I bet flying is hard sometimes. A tweet from a nearby bird startles the butterfly and it once again takes flight. A small breeze passes by and I relish the cool air on my skin. I glance around and wonder how I could capture this beautiful moment in a picture, but know that it would never do it justice. The sights, sounds, and smells of spring are not easily frozen in time. They must be experienced. They must be lived. We must take a break from the busyness of life to enjoy moments such as these. Time goes by too quickly. If we blink we may miss it and the joy of watching a butterfly stretch it's wings should not be missed. 

Broken Hearts

How many of us have a heart that looks like this? Has your heart been broken, bruised, and beat up? Have you tried to piece it back together with a band-aid, stitches, and some super glue? Or is there still a giant tear down the center that doesn't seem fixable no matter how many band-aids you put over it?

I've had my share of broken hearts over the years. Sometimes it was broken by guys being jerks, other times it was after a fight with a best friend, other breaks were caused by things too personal to share. Cuts made by stupid boys or crazy arguments have been fairly easy to mend; a few stitches here and there along with some deep breaths and a few positive self-affirmations did the trick. However, some cuts are deeper than others, some leave lasting scars even after you've done your best to stitch them up. These are the cuts that really change you.

We can become so preoccupied with the pain of our broken hearts that we turn away from all the good surrounding us. We become bitter and angry at the world. In an effort to shut out the pain many turn to drugs, alcohol, and other destructive behaviors. This pain and darkness becomes so difficult to carry day in and day out that many people turn to self-harm and even suicide.

On the other hand, we can choose to take our broken hearts and look to the light. We can find healing in the situations that caused our pain to begin with. It will not always be easy, but it is possible to rise above the pain and find beauty in the ashes. We can use our circumstances to help others who have faced similar things and are struggling with which path to choose. We can find things to be grateful for even in the midst of the most dreadful situations. Taking actions to choose the higher road will lead to a brighter future. This is the path that ends in happiness, peace, and living a life of purpose.

I know these things from personal experience. I have personally traveled down both roads. Several years ago I was struggling with a heart that I thought had been torn in too many pieces to be able to put back together. It was a real Humpty Dumpty situation. I felt alone and could not see a way out. No matter how hard I tried to fix the situation it seemed like all I did was make it worse. I withdrew from life as much as possible. I stopped spending time with my friends, slept a lot more than I should have, and became very moody. Then I started cutting. It is hard to explain, but the act of cutting always made me feel better for a moment...kind of like getting high when doing drugs; you feel better for a little while and then ten times worse afterward. Despite the intense emotional pain I would feel afterward I kept cutting just so I could feel that ten seconds of euphoria. Eventually, the cutting wasn't enough and I attempted suicide. I grabbed a bottle of Lortab and just started swallowing as many pills as I could. When the drugs first started kicking in I felt that momentary euphoria and was sure I'd made the right decision, but then I started to feel sick and instantly regretted my decision. In that moment I realized I did not want to die, but was afraid it was too late. I struggled to grab my phone and call a good friend I was pretty drugged and out of it, all I can remember telling him was that I didn't want to die. The next thing I knew I was in the ER surrounded by doctors. Luckily everything turned out okay. I was admitted to the psych unit and was able to learn some very important life-saving principles. I learned how to look to the light instead of the darkness. I learned the importance of a positive mental attitude and finding joy in the little things. I now live a life that is much happier than before. It didn't happen overnight, but one day at a time. Each day I found a reason to smile and be thankful was a day my burden lifted just a bit and before I realized it I had come out of my black hole and was once again basking in the sunlight.

Do I still have tough days? Of course! Do I still have times where my heart feels broken and all I want to do is cry? Absolutely! The difference is that on those days I still take time to make a list of the things I'm grateful for and find at least one thing to smile about. It isn't easy, but it is possible. No matter what is causing your heart to break there is hope, there is light, there is a way out.

If you are struggling with something here are a five tips to help you deal with it in a positive way:

1. Activities: Distract your mind for a while by engaging in some activities that you enjoy. Do some crafts, exercise, read a good book, dance it out, go to lunch with a friend.

2. Contribute: Do something for someone else. Be thoughtful. Think of someone who may also be struggling with something and find a way to lift their spirits.

3. Thoughts: Think positively. Make a list of things you are grateful for. Make a list of things that make you happy. Write down at least one good thing about your day. Write down a list of all the things that are bothering you..and then burn the list!

4. Rest: Sometimes sleep is the best thing for you. Take a nap. If you are in a situation where you can't take a nap then close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. You'll be amazed how much something so simple helps.

5. Spiritual: No matter what you believe in connect with your higher power. Say a prayer. Read your scriptures.

I know that at least one person reading this right now is struggling with a broken heart of some kind or another. Take time to find something that makes you smile today. It doesn't have to be huge, it can be as simple as a frosty from Wendy's or a bag of peanut butter M&M's. Put a smile on your face and write down one thing you are thankful for and I promise that the pain you are feeling will seem a little bit lighter.

Things I Am Proud Of...

Today's list topic is Things I Am Proud Of...

This one made me think a little bit, but in the end I had some fun with it!

1. I have survived almost 33 years of life!
2. I am a really great big sister
3. I can speak like a fairy.
4. I have a testimony that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true.
5. I am a good listener
6. I have never smoked or drank alcohol...not even once!
7. I have always been a good reader
8. I love to serve others
9. I survived brain surgery!
10. I don't need the validation of others
11. I am compassionate
12. I have done hard things
13. I have a high tolerance for pain.
14. I am awesome at coloring!
15. I am independent even though sometimes it's a real struggle due to my health.
16. I am part of an amazing organization called Ivy Girl Academy
17.  I ran a 5k and didn't die!
18. I am a very non-judgmental person
19. I am a fiercely loyal friend
20. I have a love for family history
21. I'm a halfway decent writer
22. I love to laugh
23. I served a mission for the church...even though I had to come home early due to my health I still served!
24. I'm a very visual person
25. I'm growing out my hair and it's currently the longest I've ever had it in my whole life!

What's on your list??

Positive Thinking

I spend a lot of time with my thoughts. They are with me where ever I go. Sometimes my thoughts are my best friends. They tell me I'm pretty, smart, and funny. They remind me to serve others. They point out all the beautiful things I see every day and they notice things I'm grateful for. They're just plain awesome!

However, some days my thoughts and I don't get along. There are days where my thoughts are mean to me and tell me that I'm ugly and stupid. Once in a while they really beat me up and try to convince me that I will never be good enough. There are nights where my thoughts don't let me get any sleep, and sometimes they only let me see things that are dark and gloomy. They can be real bullies in need of a serious time-out!

Have you ever taken the time to think about your thoughts? How many thoughts do you have in a day? Are they happy, upbeat thoughts or are they pretty negative? What do you spend your time thinking about? Do you always think about yourself or do you mostly think of others? What kind of actions do you take because of the thoughts in your head?

The things we choose to think about make a difference in our lives. Every second of every day we all have something we can complain about and something we can be thankful for, which one we choose to focus on determines our attitude. It is a choice that is ours to make, no one can make it for us. Circumstances that we experience don't make the choice for us either.

I have been sick most of my life. I have had some really rough times as I've struggled through different health challenges. About once a week for the past fifteen years I have experienced something doctors are still unsure about. They don't know the cause and they don't even know what to call it. I simply call them pass out spells. I will be walking along feeling perfectly healthy one minute and without any warning at all will suddenly lose consciousness and fall hard to the floor. I am unconscious anywhere from ten minutes to two hours. Many times during this period of unconsciousness I will shake violently as though I were having a grand mal seizure. Once I wake up from a spell I am very tired, sore, and just plain don't feel good...not to mention the fact that I may have injured myself in the fall. This is my life. It would be very easy for me to experience these spells and be nothing but depressed. I could lie in my room 24 hours a day and do nothing but cry. I could spend all my time complaining about how much my life sucks. However, living life that way would not be very fun. I have to find a way to smile and laugh my way through it.

One afternoon I went to the grocery store to pick up a couple of much needed items...Oreo's and milk, I think. While in the store I had one of my spells. I woke up in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. The paramedic attending to me was VERY good looking! Isn't this every girls dream? Fall asleep in a random place and wake up to a handsome stranger staring you in the eyes! Well, this handsome stranger starting asking me the typical paramedic questions to figure out what had caused me to lose consciousness that day.

"Have you eaten anything today?"

"Yep, had a yummy bowl of Fruit Loops this morning"

"Have you been under any extra stress lately? Did you break-up with your boyfriend?"

"Yep. Do you want to replace him?"

Stunned Silence

"Your going to feel a small poke as I start this IV"

Haha!! I began laughing so hard he had a slightly difficult time starting the IV.

Moments like this are how I get through my daily illnesses. Does that mean that every day is hunky dory and I never have a bad day, cry, or complain about my circumstances. Nope. I'm still human. Some days are harder than others, but on those days ya just take time to cry it out, eat some cereal, and then pick yourself up and keep moving forward with positive thoughts.

Every single one of us have hard things in our life. For me it is my health. For you it may be a troubled son or daughter, you may be struggling in your marriage, or dealing with serious financial stress. For the teenagers that read this blog it may be a bully at school, struggling with grades, or dealing with a parents divorce. We all have the choice to allow our situations to either turn our thoughts into negatives or positives. I can promise you that if you choose the positive your life will be blessed for it, and no matter what you are dealing with you will come out on top!

So, put a smile on your face and go eat a bowl of Fruit Loops. It's going to be a great day!

Add Art

I am not a very artistic person. I can't draw, paint, or do crafts. However, I love the act of creating something. It is very invigorating and at the same time relaxing to my mind.

I love to color. I know that sounds like a little kid thing to say, but I love it. When I was a kid my mom and I used to have coloring contests. She would color one page, I would color another. In the end we would have my dad judge the two pictures and declare a winner. I won a lot and thought I was seriously the best coloring person in the whole neighborhood. As I grew older I realized I probably only won because I was three and my parents were trying to build my self-confidence. It worked though to this day I enjoy coloring and think I'm pretty awesome at it....just don't put me in a coloring contest with a 3-year-old because I will lose every time!

No matter what level of artist we are I believe that we all need to spend time adding art to our life. Art is good for the soul. Unleashing our creativity whether by painting the Mona Lisa or coloring a Dora the Explorer coloring book opens up something within us and lifts us up emotionally.

When I have a lot of my mind, coloring helps me to process it all. When I'm upset or stressed about drama going on in my life, coloring relaxes me. When I'm bored, coloring adds simple joy to my day.

Art can also bless the lives of others. When I'm done coloring I take those images and turn them into handmade cards. I send the cards to friends and family and watch how touched they are by upon receiving it. Their joy doesn't come because the artwork is a masterpiece of perfection, but because it was made with love. No matter your skill level you can bless someone with your artful creations.

Today I want you to go find something to create. Go add some art to your day somehow. I promise you'll enjoy it.

Come Listen to a Prophets Voice

Well, we just had another wonderful General Conference. I love Conference weekend, it lifts my heart and soul every time. I am grateful to have a living prophet on the Earth today. All of the General Authorities of the church are men of God and speak the messages He would have us know for our lives.

I love Pres. Monson! My favorite quote from Conference came in his closing remarks Sunday afternoon when he said, "Realize how close Heavenly Father is willing to come to you, and how far He is willing to go to help you." Too often I picture my Heavenly Father sitting on a cloud somewhere looking down on me. I forget just how close He is to me on a daily basis. He isn't far away. He loves us and wants to be near to us. He will do all he can to help us no matter what we are going through. When life is hard and we are too weak to run to Him, He will run to us. His love is bigger than any trial we could face.

I love listening to the living prophet! Even though it has been years since his passing I miss our dear Pres. Hinckley. Pres. Hinckley was the prophet of my youth and will forever hold a special place in my heart. He taught me many things about the gospel and about myself. I learned how to stand a little taller and be a little better from his example and testimony. When he spoke you could truly feel the love he had for you. I never had the opportunity to meet him face to face, but there was never a doubt in my mind that Pres. Hinckley loved me and believed in me.

Here is a clip I absolutely love from the Dedication of the Hinckley Building at BYU-Idaho I remember watching this live and bawling my eyes out. I left there that day feeling so empowered and like I could take on the world. I still feel that way every time I watch this.

Enjoy.